Book Report: Evaluating MLB Action Figures

I'd be curious to see what type of person collects MLB "man dolls". Their rigid nature doesn't really make them ideal "play things" for children. In fact, I could see a toddler impaling themselves on one of these if they're not careful. They'd be best served on a shelf in a basement bar or "man cave" alongside lithographs of dogs playing pool and various napkins.


Alfonso Soriano
Rating: 5.5/10

This actually looks somewhat like Soriano, which is always a good start. The high socks lend themselves well to this type of thing. However, I find it very strange that they chose to depict Soriano in a fielding scenario, since his defensive skills are rather suspect. Given his non-performance with the Cubs the last few seasons, it may have been more fitting if the artist sculpted Soriano walking back to the dugout with a look of complete and utter indifference.


George Brett
Rating: 6/10

The stance is wrong. From what I recall, Brett had more of a pronounced lean in the batters box. This figure does have some quality nuances: the eye black, the creases in the uniform, scuffed shoes, the thoughtful facial expression. I also rather enjoy the home plate and how it's almost levitating. It gives the figure some Wiccan overtones.



Sammy Sosa
Rating: 2/10

This action figure is a piece of crap. It's wrong on so many levels, from the ridiculous facial expression, the lame attempt to capture Sosa's trademark skip/swagger, the disgusting playing surface and the floating bat, which is guaranteed to snap off if you handle this thing wrong. Also, Sosa was far more juiced when he was hitting all those home runs with the Cubs and I don't appreciate the insinuation that he kept that lithe, womanly figure he enjoyed back in his rookie season with the White Sox.

More critiques in the weeks and months to come.